Mature women today may be self assured and accomplished in the boardroom, but in the bedroom many of us become as repressed and lonely as our mothers were.
A recent conversation with sex therapist, Dr. Williams Lucena, revealed that many older women don’t think they’re worthy of great sex or of being desired. They feel that they got whatever they were going to get, and they’re not going to get anymore. They’ve resigned themselves to putting all of their energy into work, grandkids, charities, book clubs, the opera and hobbies.
They’ve closed the door to a good roll in the hay with their husbands, and if they’re divorced or widowed, they feel too vulnerable to subject themselves to a new partner.
Dr. Lucena says a steady diet of satisfying sex for more mature women–even for those who are into the eighties–is as important as a well balanced diet, rigorous exercise routine and taking prescribed medications on a religious basis.
Question: Why is sex so important?
Dr. Lucena: “Good sex lets you release emotions that need to get out and it kick starts certain sensitivities that give you a more relaxed life. It makes you feel alive. Intimacy is a very powerful source, even if it’s with an acquaintance. Sharing a sensual journey is all about positive energy. Too many people after fifty live in a world of isolation. As we get older, we need the comfort of being hugged and touched. Sex is the celebration of life that keeps us relevant and involved.”
Question: What advice do you have for 50 plus single women who are afraid to date much less have sex?
Dr. Lucena: “It’s time to get comfortable with yourself. Your size and shape don’t matter. Don’t have the same expectations you did when you were dating in your teens. You are at a different level now. You have accomplished a lot in life. You need to extend yourself to new types of men. Have an open mind.
Learn to appreciate men with different interests. You are looking for sincere companionship. Respect the differences. You will be less afraid to date someone that may not be exactly your type. You might surprise yourself. Accomplished men can be fascinating and quite sexy.”
Question: What should women know about having sex after years of celibacy?
Dr. Lucena: “The world is a very different place now. People freely discuss sexual experiences. Mature women have to learn how to communicate better. You need to tell your partners what pleases you. You need to touch yourself to discover your most sensitive areas, if you don’t already know where they are. You should use lubricants inside and out. Men will appreciate this kind of assertion. It will make them more comfortable that you are ready for a satisfying sexual experience. They don’t want to feel that this is a one-way street. Sex with older men can really be much more satisfying if women relax more and act with much more confidence. It will have a ripple effect.”
Question: Do you have suggestions for women who’ve simply lost their sexual appetite?
Dr. Lucena: “There’s no question about it. Changes take place in a woman’s body. Every age brings a different mental attitude. The libido can be very tricky. This is all natural if a woman knows how t o deal with it. One of my patients, in her sixties, said she had the best sex life with her husband of nearly 40 years. They had sex two or three times a week. All of a sudden, she couldn’t stand the thought of her husband touching her. She cringed every time he came near her. This went on for months until her physician found the right balance of hormones for her. She had no idea what was going on and now swears she will never get off the medication. A weakened libido can be caused by environmental factors, family history, depression, fatigue, self-image or just the thought of having to perform sex. The important thing to remember is that women must must must go for either mental health counseling or a physical checkup. The longer the libido is inactive, the worse the conditions gets.”
Question: How does an older woman pick a sex therapist?
Dr: Lucena: “It’s far easier to select other mental health doctors rather than a sex therapist. You may have to shop around. It’s important to select a therapist who is truly comfortable with him or herself. You don’t want advice from someone who will judge or avoid certain topics because he or she is squeamish. There is nothing in consensual sex today that is unnatural. Good sex therapists have seen and heard it all in training. The discussions should be free and open and extremely enlightening.”