Infidelity. The word itself is powerful enough to cause sleepless nights; the act can easily break up a marriage. Infidelity may be the only issue where the suspicion . . . → Read More: Why Do Mature Men Cheat?]]> Do men cheat more on women over 50? Do women cheat on men just as often? Can anything be done about it? Dr. Lucena has the info on infidelity.

Infidelity. The word itself is powerful enough to cause sleepless nights; the act can easily break up a marriage. Infidelity may be the only issue where the suspicion alone can cause as much damage as the deed itself, and sometimes more. Does it have to be this way?

For sex therapist, Dr. Williams Lucena, infidelity isn’t so much a malady as a symptom. Learning to effectively communicate with each other–not only in new ways, but in ways many have long forgotten–is both ounce of prevention and pound of cure.

Question:  Why do men who are entering their senior years have to cheat? 

Dr. Lucena: Cheating is sometimes a symptom of something going on, or not going on in the relationship. When somebody–female or male–has the urge to look at someone else’s body, when they let someone else come into their mind and into their soul, something is incomplete in the relationship. Sometimes it’s a lack of communication or an established pattern of miscommunication. Sometimes there are questions about real love. Sometimes it’s just based on doubt, even though the love is really there.

Question: Why does this seem to happen so often at this stage in a marriage?

Dr. Lucena: There are multiple reasons why someone would leave the door open. Some people have special needs that are not covered by the other person and they feel that they can’t talk about it. A lot of people slip into an attitude that says “We’ve been married 25 or 30 years, you know I love you, you know I’ve always taken care of you” and such. They assume that the other person knows how they feel. But people still need to hear that the other person loves them.

Question:  How important is a good sex life in keeping infidelity away? 

People put too much pressure on sex in general. Sometimes to just lie naked with each other, caress each other, know the other person is next to you, can be equally important. Sometimes it’s just exploring each other. Sex is not just penetration; it’s exploring, touching, caressing, etc. to understand what part of my body is more sensitive, where do I get the most pleasure.

Question:  What if a couple is having all this sex and one person still cheats? Is it due to the relationship? Or is it a defect in the person that cheats? 

There’s probably a need in the person that cheats. That person probably needs more and they feel they can’t talk about it. Men will say they’re cheating because this woman is doing something different. It’s very common. Perhaps the other woman is more active, or more enthusiastic. Sometimes they miss something you used to do when you were younger, but don’t do anymore.

Question: So the cheating isn’t about the actual sex life?  

These people are embracing the intimacy and communication. How do you see people cheating? A nice hotel, a nice bedroom, wine, a nice setting. They make a ritual of it. They prepare themselves for the other person. They get a haircut, wear special clothes. They try to be attractive. They’re trying to renew what they’ve lost with their wife or husband and feel like everything is new again.

Question: New again after all these years?

Even if the person is the same person over and over, every day, there’s something different about that person to you. Something about them captures the attention, and probably always has. Through the years, in working and taking care of the kids, we forget about this stuff. All these wonderful details and beautiful moments we have together end up pushed away. We still need someone to look in our eyes, but we forget about it. All the everyday communication is about things like money, work, kids, the mortgage, tuition. So how can you go to bed with an erection, or a vagina that’s lubricated enough to be passionate?

Question: Can cheating be stopped before it starts?

Get back to at least 30 minutes of intimacy every day. Just talk about yourselves–not the kids, not work. See what happens, without any pressure. Ask each other, what do I need in bed from you? Get back to the communication you used to have, before all these pressures. So you can feel like the woman that you are, and so he can remember the woman that he fell in love with.

 A recent conversation with sex therapist, Dr. Williams Lucena, revealed that many older women don’t think they’re worthy of great sex or of being desired. They feel that they . . . → Read More: Have You Closed The Door On Great Sex?]]> Mature women today may be self assured and accomplished in the boardroom, but in the bedroom many of us become as repressed and lonely as our mothers were.

 A recent conversation with sex therapist, Dr. Williams Lucena, revealed that many older women don’t think they’re worthy of great sex or of being desired. They feel that they got whatever they were going to get, and they’re not going to get anymore. They’ve resigned themselves to putting all of their energy into work, grandkids, charities, book clubs, the opera and hobbies.

They’ve closed the door to a good roll in the hay with their husbands, and if they’re divorced or widowed, they feel too vulnerable to subject themselves to a new partner.

Dr. Lucena says a steady diet of satisfying sex for more mature women–even for those  who are into the eighties–is as important as a well balanced diet, rigorous exercise routine and taking prescribed medications on a religious basis.

Question: Why is sex so important?

Dr. Lucena: “Good sex lets you release emotions that need to get out and it kick starts certain sensitivities that give you a more relaxed life. It makes you feel alive. Intimacy is a very powerful source, even if it’s with an acquaintance. Sharing a sensual journey is all about positive energy. Too many people after fifty live in a world of isolation. As we get older, we need the comfort of being hugged and touched. Sex is the celebration of life that keeps us relevant and involved.”

Question: What advice do you have for 50 plus single women who are afraid to date much less have sex?

Dr. Lucena: “It’s time to get comfortable with yourself. Your size and shape don’t matter. Don’t have the same expectations you did when you were dating in your teens. You are at a different level now. You have accomplished a lot in life. You need to extend yourself to new types of men. Have an open mind.

Learn to appreciate men with different interests. You are looking for sincere companionship. Respect the differences. You will be less afraid to date someone that may not be exactly your type. You might surprise yourself. Accomplished men can be fascinating and quite sexy.”

Question: What should women know about having sex after years of celibacy?

Dr. Lucena: “The world is a very different place now. People freely discuss sexual experiences. Mature women have to learn how to communicate better. You need to tell your partners what pleases you. You need to touch yourself to discover your most sensitive areas, if you don’t already know where they are. You should use lubricants inside and out. Men will appreciate this kind of assertion. It will make them more comfortable that you are ready for a satisfying sexual experience. They don’t want to feel that this is a one-way street. Sex with older men can really be much more satisfying if women relax more and act with much more confidence. It will have a ripple effect.”

Question: Do you have suggestions for women who’ve simply lost their sexual appetite?

Dr. Lucena: “There’s no question about it. Changes take place in a woman’s body. Every age brings a different mental attitude. The libido can be very tricky. This is all natural if a woman knows how t o deal with it. One of my patients, in her sixties, said she had the best sex life with her husband of nearly 40 years. They had sex two or three times a week. All of a sudden, she couldn’t stand the thought of her husband touching her. She cringed every time he came near her. This went on for months until her physician found the right balance of hormones for her. She had no idea what was going on and now swears she will never get off the medication. A weakened libido can be caused by environmental factors, family history, depression, fatigue, self-image or just the thought of having to perform sex. The important thing to remember is that women must must must go for either mental health counseling or a physical checkup. The longer the libido is inactive, the worse the conditions gets.”

Question: How does an older woman pick a sex therapist?

Dr: Lucena: “It’s far easier to select other mental health doctors rather than a sex therapist. You may have to shop around. It’s important to select a therapist who is truly comfortable with him or herself. You don’t want advice from someone who will judge or avoid certain topics because he or she is squeamish. There is nothing in consensual sex today that is unnatural. Good sex therapists have seen and heard it all in training. The discussions should be free and open and extremely enlightening.”